Fried Rice

Solicitors, telemarketers not welcome here! - JULY 2019

“This is getting RIDICULOUS,” I complained to my girlfriend, Connie. “They won’t STOP!”
“Who won’t stop?” she asked curiously/ “And what are they doing?”
I was talking about the solicitors that keep knocking at the front door. They bang on the door and just stand there with their Bibles pressed against their chest.
When they do, my three dogs go off on a tangent, so opening the door is not an option.
First, I shake my head to let them know I’m not interested. Then I put my finger across my throat.
“I already believe in Jesus!” I’ll scream through the door. “Please go away. My dogs will bite you!”
And when it’s not the solicitors, it’s the telemarketers on the phone.
They want to know about credit cards, new car insurance and new health insurance.
“I’m FINE with everything I have!” I yelled at one.“Can I have your home phone number so I can call you and interrupt your dinner time?”
One of them even had the audacity to call me at 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning.
“Do you have any IDEA what time it is here?” I asked him incredulously.
If I challenge them, they’ll usually just hang up on me.
“What a crappy job,” I told Connie. “I’d rather have a colonoscopy than talk to one of those people!”
“You’re weird,” is all she said.
So I laid down on the couch to take a little nap.
Knock, knock, knock…
“NO!” I screamed. “Not again! I will bite you myself!!”

Heidi Rice is editor and publisher of The Cow Pie Courier. Her column appears every month.