Fried Rice

Watching botched-up boob jobs – December 2018

By Heidi Rice

“I’m watching a show called ‘Botched,’” my girlfriend Connie texted me the other night.
“What the hell is “Botched”? I asked her.
She explained that it was about boobs and duck lips.
“Basically, it’s about plastic surgery that’s gone bad and these doctors have to fix it,” she explained.
I thought about it for a moment.
“You mean like Kenny Rogers’ bad surgery?” I asked.
“Boobs,” she repeated.
“Kenny Rogers had boobs?” I questioned. “I always thought it was his eyes that came out looking weird after his plastic surgery. This conversation is getting confusing.”
I think Connie was about to stop texting.
“You’re the one that brought up Kenny Rogers, not me,” she wrote. “I was just telling you about the show I was watching.”
“Well, who the hell wants to watch a show about people with botched plastic surgery jobs?” I retorted. “What’s next? You gonna watch people getting limbs amputated?”
It’s amazing how many people have had plastic surgery and come out looking completely different and not always in a good way…
“I think I want a boob job for Christmas,” I told Husband-Head.
“No,” he said emphatically. “We’re not spending money on that and there’s nothing wrong with your boobs.”
“But then if they screwed it up, I could be on TV where they fix it!” I cried. “Connie just told me about the show.”
Husband-Head shook his head.
“You’ve already been on TV,” he pointed out. “You are NOT going on television over a boob job.”
I texted Connie back.
“I’m not allowed to have a boob job,” I confessed. “But what channel is that on? Sounds as fascinating as watching a car accident and more exciting than ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas,’ ”

Heidi Rice is editor and publisher of The Cow Pie Courier. Her column appears every month.