RIFLE, CO — They’re not going to flog dead horses in Rifle, but they are going to flog people engaging in illegal or annoying behavior.
Rifle City Council unanimously passed an ordinance at their last regular meeting to hold public floggings that will take place every Saturday at noon in the parking lot behind Rifle City Hall — rain or shine. A new flogging post is to be installed on the north end of the lot to make room for all who wish to view.
“Effective June 21, 2014, due to the sheer number of annoying and inconsiderate infections that occur here in Rifle on a daily basis, we have no choice but to implement new forms of behavior correction,” said Councilor Barney D Smilesalot. “This is a much more economical and effective way of handling these offenders instead of continually overcrowding our jails.”
The penalties for the following behaviors will be as follows:
– Texting and driving — 20 lashes plus a $500 fine.
– Talking on the phone at the grocery store — 10 lashes.
– Gum-popping in public — 2 lashes.
– DUI — 50 lashes plus a $4,000 fine.
– Petty theft — 15 lashes.
– Sneezing without covering your mouth — 10 lashes.
– Not scooping your dog’s poop — 5 lashes.
– Creating a public nuisance by being intoxicated, urinating or fighting in public — 20 lashes plus fines.
– Excessive car noise — 20 lashes, plus increasing fines if the music is really bad.
– Those who cry while receiving their flogging will be forced to scream, “Thank you sir! May I have another?” at the top of their lungs.
Those who seem to enjoy the beatings will be additionally required to listen to hours of taped engineering discussions regarding the city’s new water treatment plant.
A company of full-time enforcement officers are being recruited to police various areas of town and hand out citations. The city hopes to put a small dent on all the inconsiderate behavior which has seen a sharp increase in recent years.
The floggings will be personally be administered by the city manager, who volunteered for the job, although denying he suffers from any anger management issues.
