The following 2017 headlines, in our opinion, should have been in the National Enquirer but unfortunately were not. These are in no particular order, just how we decided to type them in after regaining consciousness from a gin-soaked New Year’s Eve.
CARBONDALE, Colo. — Starbucks has nothing on the town of Carbondale.
RIFLE, Colo. — According to rumors, Burger King may soon go out of business here in town, but at least one local man now claims the name.
SILT, Colo. — The town will have another new religious entity this year when a new Silt Pot Church opens up in the coming weeks.
Grand Junction, Colo.— Tooting your own horn isn’t usually illegal, but blowing a bullhorn apparently doesn’t fly in the town of GJ.
GARFIELD COUNTY, Colo. — In light of the massive surge of sexual harassment allegations and firings happening around the country, Garfield County has decided to fire all of its male employees to eliminate any possible future allegations.
SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND — Sometimes, you just need to take a break from marriage.
SOUTHERN ENGLAND — A 28-year-old man suffered cardiac arrest after a six-inch long fish jumped into his mouth and tried to swim down his throat.
RIFLE, Colo — The Garfield County Regional Airport has now become one of the swankiest aviation stops in the country.
SILT, Colo — Florida Attorney General A.G. Pam Bondi is recommending that O.J. Simpson NOT be allowed to live in her state after his release from a Nevada prison, where he did a 9 year stint.