The following 2017 headlines, in our opinion, should have been in the National Enquirer but unfortunately were not. These are in no particular order, just how we decided to type them in after regaining consciousness from a gin-soaked New Year's Eve.

Top ten 2017 stories

The following 2017 headlines, in our opinion, should have been in the National Enquirer but unfortunately were not. These are in no particular order, just how we decided to type them in after regaining consciousness from a gin-soaked New Year’s Eve.

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CARBONDALE, Colo. — Starbucks has nothing on the town of Carbondale.

New shop in town offers “Selfiecinno” coffee

CARBONDALE, Colo. — Starbucks has nothing on the town of Carbondale.

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RIFLE, Colo. — According to rumors, Burger King may soon go out of business here in town, but at least one local man now claims the name.


Drunk driver claims to be ‘Burger King’

RIFLE, Colo. — According to rumors, Burger King may soon go out of business here in town, but at least one local man now claims the name.


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SILT, Colo. — The town will have another new religious entity this year when a new Silt Pot Church opens up in the coming weeks.

New pot church opens in Silt

SILT, Colo. — The town will have another new religious entity this year when a new Silt Pot Church opens up in the coming weeks.

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Grand Junction, Colo.— Tooting your own horn isn’t usually illegal, but blowing a bullhorn apparently doesn’t fly in the town of GJ.

In trouble for blowing your Christmas horn

Grand Junction, Colo.— Tooting your own horn isn’t usually illegal, but blowing a bullhorn apparently doesn’t fly in the town of GJ.

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GARFIELD COUNTY, Colo. — In light of the massive surge of sexual harassment allegations and firings happening around the country, Garfield County has decided to fire all of its male employees to eliminate any possible future allegations.

GarCo to fire all male employees

GARFIELD COUNTY, Colo. — In light of the massive surge of sexual harassment allegations and firings happening around the country, Garfield County has decided to fire all of its male employees to eliminate any possible future allegations.

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SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND —  Sometimes, you just need to take a break from marriage.

British man hides in woods to get away from wife

SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND —  Sometimes, you just need to take a break from marriage.

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SOUTHERN ENGLAND — A 28-year-old man suffered cardiac arrest after a six-inch long fish jumped into his mouth and tried to swim down his throat.

Fish swims down man’s throat

SOUTHERN ENGLAND — A 28-year-old man suffered cardiac arrest after a six-inch long fish jumped into his mouth and tried to swim down his throat.

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RIFLE, Colo — The Garfield County Regional Airport has now become one of the swankiest aviation stops in the country.

Rifle airport to host high-end amenities

RIFLE, Colo — The Garfield County Regional Airport has now become one of the swankiest aviation stops in the country.

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SILT, Colo — Florida Attorney General A.G. Pam Bondi is recommending that O.J. Simpson NOT be allowed to live in her state after his release from a Nevada prison, where he did a 9 year stint.

Simpson not wanted in Florida

SILT, Colo — Florida Attorney General A.G. Pam Bondi is recommending that O.J. Simpson NOT be allowed to live in her state after his release from a Nevada prison, where he did a 9 year stint.

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