Most everybody makes some resolutions for the new year to make themselves happier and healthier. We are here to help out with some constructive suggestions that should help you accomplish that.
1 — Quit smoking cigarettes. Smoke pot instead. (happier)
2 — Drink less before going to the gym. (healthier)
3 — Stop trying to figure out what your pets are think and why they seem to like the taste of turds. (happier)
4 — Put in an advance order for the inevitable Apple device version 17.5 pro, which is expected to be out sometime soon. (happier)
5 — Stop telling everyone on Facebook what you had for breakfast and the time of your last bowel movement. (happier)
6 — Spare people of your political rantings and your expert opinions. (happier)
7 — Refrain from trying to eat fast food, check your email and text while you are driving, all at the same time. (healthier)
8 — Pretend that a salad loaded with five different cheeses, eggs, sausage, ham, large croutons and topped with mayonnaise is actually good for you. Not to mention the half loaf of garlic bread, slathered with real butter.
9 — Know that just driving by the gym and looking can be constituted as “exercise.” (healthier)
10 — Change your bathroom scale so that it shows ten pounds less than it really would have. (happier)
Granted, these are just suggestions, but we’re pretty convinced that you might live a longer, happier life.